Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
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me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Skills
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Growing up was a huge mistake
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.