Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
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Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Twitter remains undefeated
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Nice try, NASA
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT