When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.