Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
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My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Owl Sanctuary
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.