How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
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Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
United Steaks of America
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
is this store having a stroke wtf
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.