If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
You Might Also Like
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I’ve been learning to cook.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.