In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.