I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
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I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this