My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
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Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
This took me a second..
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.