37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
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I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
respect
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An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Mornin. * use accordingly
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Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
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A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*