Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

Denise please return my vape pen

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair