An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
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What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?