That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
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my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
#FunnyLife Insects
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.