I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
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What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon