The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
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[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Thinking about Jeff
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I support this random dude and all his protests
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“You’d better run, egg!”
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat