[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
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A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.