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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
there has never been a better use of this meme
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band