scrabbled eggs
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My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead