Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
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Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Fluff me with a fork baby
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF