Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
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dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Friday night party time 🥳
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal