7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
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[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I love twitter
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.