Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
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I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
want me to check your oil?
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no