Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
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“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Never be a pizza!
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I just ran a .003048K
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.