Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
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Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I have a new favorite meme page
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no