me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
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Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕