Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
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Cool shirt 🙂
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
respect
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
The devil.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.