Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
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*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.