Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
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Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.