We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
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Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I hate when that happens.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.