Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
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I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
bought wrong eggs
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]