once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
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My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Cats (2019)
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Hotels are back
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Oh. My. God.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.