First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
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Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade