[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*