[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
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ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
real
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.