Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
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If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂