Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
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As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
My plans: 2020:
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
There’s only one good girl here!
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown