RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
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All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.