Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
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Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.