WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
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My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Fiction has to make sense.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there