Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
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Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Why am I like this?
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Genius idea!!
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.