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They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?