guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
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I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Plant care tips
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.