Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
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My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out