Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
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Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.