I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
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Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.