Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
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[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Still my favourite meme.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Any refunds available?…
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
never compromise your values
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me