They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
“Huge”.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?