They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
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Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you