Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
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Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Cardio Made Easy
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
If a snake ate a cake
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed