If a snake ate a cake
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My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes