You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
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if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
pizza
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.