One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
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Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.