Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
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[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
me adding lol on a serious message
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Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.