next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
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No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
This is a sub tweet
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
🤣🤣🤣
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Me sliding into hell like
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.